I bought a jump rope. A new Sports Chalet opened down the block last weekend, and out of boredom I decided to window shop. Technically I went to buy a stopwatch so I could time my wind sprints, but really I just wanted to enjoy that new store smell, and the way the tenderfooted employees scurry about asking everyone, "Is there anything I can do for you?" once every 4.8 seconds. My response is usually, "Free candy?" but that confuses them, as they've only been working for a couple days and have yet to latch on to irony.

So anyway, I grabbed the cheapest stop watch they had-- nine fucking dollars-- and then wandered through the gym-rat section of the store...

The gym rat section includes all the "get fit" easy fix exercise gadgets and gizmos. It's a cache of the best of the weirdest fitness stuff, and I love it! rubber exercise balls of all sorts, stretching ropes, pads and mats of all sorts, special gloves to help you lift weight, jog better, swim better, box better, yoga better, jazzercise better, it's all for the person who's sport is their own self improvement. No basketballs here. No table tennis. The gym rat section is for you, yourself, and you.

And that's where I found the Wall-O-Rope. The Wall-O-Rope had every imaginable kind of jump rope. That's right folks, gone are the days of to wooden handles and a 9 foot rope. Now there's weighted ropes, counterweighted ropes, leather-weather protected ropes, fiber-rubber stretch ropes, damage control ropes, caveman diet ropes, and--my personal favorite--musical ropes (the rope whistles at different pitches to let you know how fast you're jumping).

So, I bought one. Weighted and rubber, I could also apply my mad ninja skill to fend off henchmen with this heavy nine foot stealthy black fitness favorite.

Then I jumped. I jumped and jumped and I damn near collapsed. Jumping rope is frickin' hard! But fun. Finally, I should mention, all these special ropes had some guru on the front of the package smiling at me while jumping. There was one peculiar similarity about all the gurus. Their calves were HUMONGOUS. I'm not sure if I wan't calves that big, but it'll be a long time before I have to worry.

And as an aside, if you're really looking to add some great supplementation to your diet, head on over to the vitamin shop and get yourself some Master Formula. It's good stuff.

I mean really hot.

I was browsing through Netflix for workout videos....yeah, they have workout videos, pretty cool...and I stumbled across a couple old Jane Fonda videos.

Workout videos aren't as popular today as they were in the 80's and early 90's. Every faux celeb had a workout routine, and they were usually accompanied by a bevy of 80's models to accurately demonstrate how to do things like "roll the head" or "jog in place."

Among these videos are some real beauties of yesteryear. Kathy Ireland made a workout video. Carmen Electra had a "strip routine" workout video, and this was back when she was like 19 and smokin'. Jenny McCarthy, Cindy Crawford, and that women from the Family sit-com on Friday nights, they all wore the spandex and spread their legs for the sake of fatties who needed a dose of calisthenics.

But Jane Fonda was the queen of spandex. Slip her into a purple one piece and wrap her in twelve inch leg warmers and she can break the sound barrier. I always love being surprised by the sex appeal of older actresses. The first time I saw Meryl Streep in the Deer Hunter, I was knocked out by her beauty. Well Jane Fonda, you are the new old queen. I salute you. And I jog in place with you.

And hey don't forget the omega 3 benefits of taking omega 3 vitamins. That shit is as hot as Jane Fonda.